By opening with a story, this article mildly subverts the typical conventions adopted by journal article writers. It is a direct response to calls from within management and marketing studies to embrace alternative modes of expression. Blurring fact (distilled from the findings of in-depth qualitative research) and fiction (distilled from our fevered imaginations), our case study–based story presents the twisted tale of a consumer profiled. By connecting dimensions of marketing, consumption, research, and practice, we seek to question whether digitally-equipped marketers can ever understand the true nature of today's inscrutable consumer.