‘Where there’s a monster, there’s also a miracle’, according to literary legend Neil Gaiman. With the aid of an array of Barbara Stern-sourced literary devices, this experimental article – an academic omnium gatherum – considers the miraculous monstrosity that is Mattel’s Barbie doll. Accompanied by an extensive empirical study of young adult consumers, it not only maps the many and varied meanings of an adorably abominable brand but explores and evaluates some recent, arguably monstrous, developments in literary approaches to marketing scholarship.